A Creation Myth
On Sunday after my apartment-hunting expedition in Manhattan, I went to check out the Puerto Rico Day parade despite my future roommate's recommendation to get out of Manhattan since the crowds can get pretty rowdy and even dangerous sometimes: two or three years ago several women were sexually assaulted in Central Park. Actually, I didn't really check out the parade intentionally. I was just wandering around and somehow came upon it, which took place mainly on Fifth Ave.
I thought I had died and gone to hoochie heaven.
Never in my life have I seen so many eyeballs glued to so many skin-tight, bulging white shirts hiding such dangerous weapons of mass distraction, or so many camcorders zoomed in on so many shapely, bouncing behinds. It was quite a sight. Speaking of shapely behinds, sometimes I can't help but wonder if once upon a time....
There was a Garden of Booty somewhere in the Heavens. In the Garden, there were row after row after row of booties of all sizes, shapes and colors. The exhausted migrant workers who toiled in the fields cultivated these amorphous balls of flesh lovingly. They made sure each one received the proper amount of sunlight, water and nutrients. In a sense, they were the Guardian Angels of Glutes, the Fairy Godmothers of Asses. They treated each individual buttocks like their own offspring, with such tender loving care that they wept for 3 days whenever they were forced to sacrifice one to the mythical Ass Gobbler that roamed in the Jungle of Boobies.
All was happy and sunshine until one day when the Lord of All Lords, the Mightiest Immortal of Them All, the Most Powerful Whatchamacallit in the Universe, aka Buff Daddy, undertook an endeavor to create a race of squabbling, selfish, devious, murderous poopyheads modeled after Himself, to whom He bestowed the name "Humans." Now, Buff Daddy, or B. Diddy as He was affectionately known throughout the Heavens and Nether regions, was one hell of a party animal (don't think I've ever seen "party animal" mentioned in any fairy tales, but this is not your grandpa's folk tale). During the first few eons of His monumental project, He was higher than a sub-orbital satellite and more inebriated than a monkey tossed into a pool of Jack Daniels. Instead of adhering to His original, meticulously drafted blueprints, He just dug up some mud and molded them into little stick figures haphazardly. Then He fell asleep.
While Diddy was pissing His pants in His sleep, the Guardians stumbled upon His creations. They felt so sorry for these abominable little turds that they decided to make the ultimate sacrifice: they gingerly harvested their most precious assets and made them the assets of the little people. For reasons unknown to this day, they assigned to the Hispanics and the blacks the healthiest, bounciest and most beautiful romps in the Garden. By the time they finished implanting the 89-octane fannies to the whites, they were tired and ceased to care about the quality of their craftsmanship. Therefore, the Asians were shafted for the first of many times to come with the left-over, dying, diseased, and hence flattest asses.
And there you have it boys and girls.
On Sunday after my apartment-hunting expedition in Manhattan, I went to check out the Puerto Rico Day parade despite my future roommate's recommendation to get out of Manhattan since the crowds can get pretty rowdy and even dangerous sometimes: two or three years ago several women were sexually assaulted in Central Park. Actually, I didn't really check out the parade intentionally. I was just wandering around and somehow came upon it, which took place mainly on Fifth Ave.
I thought I had died and gone to hoochie heaven.
Never in my life have I seen so many eyeballs glued to so many skin-tight, bulging white shirts hiding such dangerous weapons of mass distraction, or so many camcorders zoomed in on so many shapely, bouncing behinds. It was quite a sight. Speaking of shapely behinds, sometimes I can't help but wonder if once upon a time....
There was a Garden of Booty somewhere in the Heavens. In the Garden, there were row after row after row of booties of all sizes, shapes and colors. The exhausted migrant workers who toiled in the fields cultivated these amorphous balls of flesh lovingly. They made sure each one received the proper amount of sunlight, water and nutrients. In a sense, they were the Guardian Angels of Glutes, the Fairy Godmothers of Asses. They treated each individual buttocks like their own offspring, with such tender loving care that they wept for 3 days whenever they were forced to sacrifice one to the mythical Ass Gobbler that roamed in the Jungle of Boobies.
All was happy and sunshine until one day when the Lord of All Lords, the Mightiest Immortal of Them All, the Most Powerful Whatchamacallit in the Universe, aka Buff Daddy, undertook an endeavor to create a race of squabbling, selfish, devious, murderous poopyheads modeled after Himself, to whom He bestowed the name "Humans." Now, Buff Daddy, or B. Diddy as He was affectionately known throughout the Heavens and Nether regions, was one hell of a party animal (don't think I've ever seen "party animal" mentioned in any fairy tales, but this is not your grandpa's folk tale). During the first few eons of His monumental project, He was higher than a sub-orbital satellite and more inebriated than a monkey tossed into a pool of Jack Daniels. Instead of adhering to His original, meticulously drafted blueprints, He just dug up some mud and molded them into little stick figures haphazardly. Then He fell asleep.
While Diddy was pissing His pants in His sleep, the Guardians stumbled upon His creations. They felt so sorry for these abominable little turds that they decided to make the ultimate sacrifice: they gingerly harvested their most precious assets and made them the assets of the little people. For reasons unknown to this day, they assigned to the Hispanics and the blacks the healthiest, bounciest and most beautiful romps in the Garden. By the time they finished implanting the 89-octane fannies to the whites, they were tired and ceased to care about the quality of their craftsmanship. Therefore, the Asians were shafted for the first of many times to come with the left-over, dying, diseased, and hence flattest asses.
And there you have it boys and girls.
posted by Gary at
11:49 PM
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