Wounded
When is a girl just being friendly and when is she teasing/misleading me? That's the question I have been pondering for the past two days. I really really need to find out how I can distinguish between the two before I get destroyed again. I am not one of those hopeless dreamers in Hollywood movies who always fantasize about the girls that they will never have and suffer mightily for their unrealistic obsessions. I am the fucking idiot who meets a girl by chance or through friends expecting to just be friends, but only to fall for her and then come to the bitter realization that she will never treat me as more than a friend when she, say, mentions that her boyfriend will come visit her soon, or that she is not interested in a relationship now.
On such occasions, I can only let out a silent scream inside as I am buried by an avalanche of anguish, frustration, incredulity, confusion and self-loathing. Anguished because once again I find myself jerked off the Luckiest Guy On Earth Pedestal and casted into A Girl's Best Neutered Male Friends Purgatory. Frustrated because I know that that terrible empty loneliness will return to taunt me again. Incredulous that in spite of previous disasters, I am stupid enough to dream about fun, cool, romantic things to do with her only to have everything come crashing down on me again. Confounded as to what actually went wrong. Was it a figment of my imagination, or did the waitress really say to me in Chinese, "Is that your white girlfriend? Don't be shy, you two look like a great couple." Didn't we spend 6 hours together having a blast and didn't she email me the day after, wanting to "reiterate how much fun" she had and how she would like to meet me again "soon!" for "dinner? coffee? something exciting?" I hate myself for knowing the pain that's in store and yet proceed ahead recklessly anyways. I have no one to blame but myself.
Maybe the world isn't as naive as me, like Yan said. After all, these girls never really made it blatantly obvious that they wanted to be in a relationship. WITH ME. Maybe I am just another hopeless Ally McBeal, sick of being alone, always thinking about girls I like, hoping to meet The One, but always doubting myself and wondering if that will ever happen. Maybe I should just stop being self-delusional and wait and see what Fate has in store for me.
This game is too painful. But I never wanted to play it in the first place.
When is a girl just being friendly and when is she teasing/misleading me? That's the question I have been pondering for the past two days. I really really need to find out how I can distinguish between the two before I get destroyed again. I am not one of those hopeless dreamers in Hollywood movies who always fantasize about the girls that they will never have and suffer mightily for their unrealistic obsessions. I am the fucking idiot who meets a girl by chance or through friends expecting to just be friends, but only to fall for her and then come to the bitter realization that she will never treat me as more than a friend when she, say, mentions that her boyfriend will come visit her soon, or that she is not interested in a relationship now.
On such occasions, I can only let out a silent scream inside as I am buried by an avalanche of anguish, frustration, incredulity, confusion and self-loathing. Anguished because once again I find myself jerked off the Luckiest Guy On Earth Pedestal and casted into A Girl's Best Neutered Male Friends Purgatory. Frustrated because I know that that terrible empty loneliness will return to taunt me again. Incredulous that in spite of previous disasters, I am stupid enough to dream about fun, cool, romantic things to do with her only to have everything come crashing down on me again. Confounded as to what actually went wrong. Was it a figment of my imagination, or did the waitress really say to me in Chinese, "Is that your white girlfriend? Don't be shy, you two look like a great couple." Didn't we spend 6 hours together having a blast and didn't she email me the day after, wanting to "reiterate how much fun" she had and how she would like to meet me again "soon!" for "dinner? coffee? something exciting?" I hate myself for knowing the pain that's in store and yet proceed ahead recklessly anyways. I have no one to blame but myself.
Maybe the world isn't as naive as me, like Yan said. After all, these girls never really made it blatantly obvious that they wanted to be in a relationship. WITH ME. Maybe I am just another hopeless Ally McBeal, sick of being alone, always thinking about girls I like, hoping to meet The One, but always doubting myself and wondering if that will ever happen. Maybe I should just stop being self-delusional and wait and see what Fate has in store for me.
This game is too painful. But I never wanted to play it in the first place.
posted by Gary at
7:09 PM
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