Nutricious Chuck Norris Goodness
I still haven't forgiven CBS for broadcasting "Walker Texas Ranger," that steaming pile of crap of a show featuring possibly one of the worst actors ever. I mean, the dude makes Steven Segal look like a real thespian.
Without further adieu, here's the ascii version of a hilarious message a coworker forwarded to me. The original doc is here
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
It as once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in God. God believes in Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad h e has never cried.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy sh*t! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya!".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming "Law" and "Order" are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Without further adieu, here's the ascii version of a hilarious message a coworker forwarded to me. The original doc is here
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
It as once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in God. God believes in Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad h e has never cried.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy sh*t! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya!".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming "Law" and "Order" are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
posted by Gary at
7:38 PM
