Saturday, June 09, 2007

The Legend Continues...

A week ago I was hanging out at Caliente Cab, the Mexican bar/restaurant down the street from the apartment, with Adrienne and the gang, when we started talking about the childhood bogeyman with which our parents used to scare us into obedience. I no longer remember what everyone else said because I was no longer lucid at that point, or maybe it just shows how self-absorbed I am. Anyways, I somehow managed to uncover a gem of a childhood memory from way back when.

Here it goes: When I was a kid, my dad used to scare me by telling me that if I didn't behave, Ge Niu Lao Han would come to get me. For those of you not conversant in Mandarin Chinese, Ge Niu Lao Han means literally, Cut Pee Pee Old Man. So, according to Dad, if I am a bad little boy, this old man would come for me, and more specifically, my pee pee. To show he means business, this old dude carries around with him a huge fucking bag (ok, Dad didn't exactly put it that way, but you get the gist) filled with pee pees from bad little boys who didn't listen to their parents.

I don't quite remember my reaction to this story anymore. I don't even think I was that scared, even though looking back now the whole thing is disturbing on so many different levels. To start, what kind of fucked up parents would tell their kids about some old lunatic roaming the night looking for little boys' penises to cut off? And what is he going to do with his big bag of kiddo penises anyways? Sicko!

I don't think the story was that effective at scaring me because at age 6 or 7, I had no idea why it would be that big of a deal to lose my wee wee. I mean, it's not like I could play ping pong or kick a soccer ball with it (har har, kick a ball with my balls). It only seemed useful for taking a piss. Even then, all the girls seemed to do fine without it.

Tomorrow I shall have a little chat with Papa Liu.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Work Musings

An excerpt from a chatroom at work between my boss's boss's boss, the director, and a bunch of other coworkers. There's a candy bin at work usually well-stocked with chocolates and other goodies. They were joking about extending that concept to liquors, which led to a discussion about the different kinds of alcohols.

Director: oh, slivovitz
Director: yeah, I had some of that in bratislava I think
Director: terrible, as I recall
coworker1: ouzo should be banned from the modern world
Director: the first time I had a lebanese raw lamb dish in chicago, they made me drink the lebanese equivalent of ouzo with it
Director: it worked pretty well together, actually
Director: the next time I got it, though, I insisted on sticking with beer
coworker2: what was it called? hope not camel milk
Director: err
Director: unless camel milk is clear (slightly cloudy when chilled), tastes strongly of aniseed, and is about 2000% alcohol, then no, it wasn't camel milk
coworker2: it would be interesting to try this Ouzou
coworker2: not sure what will happen though
Director: is there a uk equivalent of everclear here?
Director: as close to pure alcohol as you can bottle
Director: just grab a handful of bertie bassets liquorice allsorts from the candy drawer, and wash them down with pure grain alcohol
Director: and you have an ouzo simulator
coworker2: ok I agree with MH, definately for a ban
coworker1: yes its very unpleasant, second only to raki
coworker1: nuff said
coworker3: raki is awesome, you need to drink the good stuff
coworker3: similarly you can't let your impressions of whiskey be formed by the "imperial stag" brand
coworker3: i recommend tekirdag gold or something of similar calibre, and you need to mix it with the right amount of water
coworker1: like 30 gallons?
coworker4: some elderly holocaust survivors at the synagogue i grew up in used to drink 192 proof alcohol. they called it "ninety-six" (in yiddish, of course). after what they went through, they're entitled to abuse their livers all they want
Director: they were smart enough to skip the fruit brandies then
coworker4: oh, definitely
Director: and as I guy I used to work with observed, "there are a lot more old drunks than old doctors"
coworker4: ninety-six as in % alcohol, of course...
coworker5: Abstinence wont make you live forever, it will just feel like it.
coworker5: Anyway, in a few years if you blow out a liver, you'll be able to have a new one grown.
coworker5: Probably not on the NHS though...
Director: why do you think I had kids?
Director: good supply of extra organs
coworker5: Yes, but that plan means you have to remember their birthdays and be nice to them.
Director: their mother covers those aspects
coworker5: But doesnt that mean she gets first call on the organs?
Director: I haven't mentioned the organ-donor plan to her yet
coworker5: I guess you could cover that by being nice to her, and remembering her birthday. That way, she could pursuade the kids...

Sunday, June 03, 2007

If I Ever Get Rich....

I would get:

A 50 million GBP diamond-encrusted skull


a kangal, the humongous Turkish shepherd dog that, legend has it, originated from a lion-dog pairing.