I Love My Niece

My 3-year-old niece to her dad: "You are a human, I am a hu-lady!"

Bill Maher Rules

New Rules:

"Now, last week, France had an election, and people over there approach an election differently. They vote. Eighty-five percent of them turned out. You couldn't get 85% of Americans to get off the couch if there was an election between "Tits" and "Bigger Tits," and they were handing out free samples!

Now, maybe the high turnout has something to do with the fact that the French candidates are never asked where they stand on evolution, prayer in school, abortion, stem cell research or gay marriage. And if the candidate knows about a character in a book other than Jesus, it's not a drawback.

The electorate doesn't vote for the guy they want to have a croissant with; nor do they care about private lives. In the current race, Ségolène Royal has four kids, but she never got married. And she's a Socialist. In America, if a Democrat even thinks you're calling him "liberal," he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something!

Madame Royal's opponent is married, but they live apart and lead separate lives. And the people are okay with that for the same reason they're okay with nude beaches; because they're not a nation of six-year-olds who scream and giggle if they see pee-pee parts!

They have weird ideas about privacy. They think it should be private. In France, even the mistresses have mistresses. To not have a lady on the side says to the voters, "I'm no good at multi-tasking."

Now, like any country, France has its faults, like all that ridiculous accordion music. But, their health care is the best in the industrialized world. As is their poverty rate. And they're completely independent of Mid East oil. And they're the greenest country. And they're not fat. And they have public intellectuals in France. We have Dr. Phil!

They invented sex during the day, lingerie and the tongue. Can't we admit we could learn something from them?

So, from now on, all you high-ranking Bush Administration officials, because the French are righter than you on most things, when France comes up in conversation, you are not allowed to roll your eyes. The only time you get to do that is when your hooker from Ms. Julia is blowing you."

Complete entry here.

More Work Stories

* Half a block away across the street from my office building is a gentlemen's club with a huge 3-story billboard that constantly advertises new porno releases. The one being promoted now is "Janine Loves Jenna," featuring two sultry blonde sirens. Today while I was waiting for my lunch takeout from the Chinese restaurant across the street from the club, I noticed that on the billboard, underneath the picture of the tempstresses and the title, it said "Music by KBH Walt Jizzney."

* At my security for developers training class today, the instructor was explaining how Paris Hilton's Tmobile web account was compromised. "Someone broke into her account by using the forgot my password function and answering the secret question, which was 'what is your favorite pet's name?'" said the instructor, "Does anyone remember what her dog's name was?" "Tinkerbell," I blurted out. Everyone started laughing. Hope I didn't lose too much geek cred with that answer.